


Blackout

by Bearfeat



Category: Ghost (Swedish Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, OFC POV, Omega's absence, Relationship Problems, Slow Burn, plot heavy, very mild sexual content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2018-10-30 12:26:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10876767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bearfeat/pseuds/Bearfeat
Summary: Omega has disappeared and it takes a heavy toll on the ghouls. One ghoul affected in particular is Water, who now has to bear Omega's old name: Aether. His girlfriend, Fíne, sees how he gets devoured by grief for his brother. She feels powerless, but she isn't.





	1. Blackout

Water got up from our bed. I rubbed my eyes, unsure of what time it was. It was dark, but our curtains didn’t let through any light. I could sleep. I also could go for some coffee and pancakes.

‘Water?’ I said, suppressing a yawn. The ghoul stopped in the doorway.

‘It’s Aether now.’ He replied.

 

I stretched and looked at his naked back, only lit by the light from the hall.

‘I’m sorry.’ I said. ‘I can’t really get used to that.’

Aether sighed and I saw his head tilt to the side.

‘Me neither.’

‘What time is it?’ I said. I reached over for my phone, but at first couldn’t find it. When my fingers finally touched it, no screen lit up.

‘Babe?’ my ghoul’s voice sounded from the kitchen. ‘The power went out. It is ten in the morning.’

‘Ten?’ I sat up. I was late for work. That was why I felt so fucking rested. Aethers form reappeared on the doorstep. ‘I think you can take a breath.’ He said. ‘We’re completely snowed in. No way you ‘re leaving the house today.’

 

I grabbed a blanket and followed him into the living room of our apartment, and when he opened up the curtains the sharp daylight, amplified by the white snow, completely lit up our room. I squealed, because the brightness hurt my eyes, but also because we had an apartment on the first floor with large windows, and we were both completely naked.

My ghoul turned to me, the earnest look on his face fading for a short moment. He grabbed the blanket around my shoulders and pulled me closer.

‘Good morning.’ He whispered. He placed a sweet kiss on my forehead and I inhaled deeply to take in the sleepy scent of his body. The soft hairs on his chest tickled my face.

 

‘Coffee machine doesn’t work.’ He mumbled in my hair. ‘But I could make some instant coffee on the stove?’

I smiled against him. ‘That would be lovely.’ I whispered. He squeezed me a last time before he let go, slowly tracing his hand over my arm and fingers before he disappeared into the kitchen. I could hear him turn on the gas and fill a pot with water. I looked around me. No lights. No radio or TV. I felt my feet growing colder and colder on the tiles of the floor.

 

‘The heating is not working either.’ I said to Aether as I pressed my naked body against his back. He took two mugs from the cupboard and scooped the coffee into them. His skin wasn’t as warm as before either. I pressed a kiss on his shoulder and he poured the boiling water into the mugs. He used a single spoon for stirring both.

 

‘It’s very hot.’ He said, as I put the mug to my lips. I realized he was right and lowered it again. He watched me again with that earnest look in his eyes he had been carrying lately. His face, that always looked so kind, now had a hint of sadness and his happy and squeezable cheeks had grown thinner and tighter. The loss of his big brother had been hard on him. He no longer was the middle child, and had to be the big brother to his younger siblings, especially to his new sister. His mouth twitched on one side into a staged grin and he took a sip from his drink. When he exhaled, I saw his breath in the cold air of the room.

‘Let’s go back to bed.’ I said.

 

I took his mug from him and placed it on the nightstand next to mine as we crawled under the blankets. They were still comfortably warm from our body heat. We sipped our coffees and leaned against each other. He rubbed my upper leg and I placed a hand on the back of his neck, rubbing down the cold skin of his back.

 

‘My feet are cold.’ I sighed, when I had enough coffee. I put the mug down. I never really liked instant. He put away his mug too and dove under the blankets, taking my right foot in his warm hands. I giggled at first, because it tickled, but then my foot did get warmer and I relaxed. Until he pulled the blankets off of me.

‘What the?’ I yelped, as the sudden cold washed over me again. Aether grinned at me. He took my other foot in his hands, warming that one too. Then he pressed his thumbs against the sole of my foot, giving me a gentle massage.

 

‘You’re too good to me.’ I sighed. I pulled a loose blanket over me, to at least get some warmth, but he took it away from me again.

‘No.’ he said grimly. He let his gaze glide over my naked form. When we locked eyes, he lifted my right foot and wrapped his lips around some of my toes.

 

‘Oh…’ I gasped. I felt his tongue swirl around them. When he gave my left foot the same treatment, I felt a familiar heat growing in my underbelly.

Aether pulled the sheets up to his shoulders. He looked like he was wearing a cape. I smiled at that endearing image, but he bowed down and kissed my thigh softly. Then he furrowed his brow and, without warning, moved his tongue over my cunt.

‘Sweetie.’ I whispered, tangling my fingers into his hair. He gently moved his tongue over me and lifted his hand to grab my breast. A little more roughly, he rolled my nipple between his fingers, and I arched against him, but he stopped when he felt my goosebumps. Trailing the blanket along, he hovered over me, warming me up with his body.

 

‘You’re shaking.’ He whispered.

‘You took the blankets away.’ I replied. ‘Also I want you.’

Aether sank down on his elbows, placing more weight on me, and teased the tip of his dick at my entrance. His kiss tasted sweet and dark from my own passion.

‘I will always want you.’ I breathed when he pulled away.

 

‘Thank you for being here.’ He said. I watched as all the earnestness faded from his countenance and a touch of light graced his eyes. It came as a shock to realize that that was because he was looking at me.

‘Thank you for staying.’ I said to him.

 

Aether buried his face in my neck and firmly pushed inside me, leaving small bites on my collarbone as he thrusted in and out. I wrapped my arms around him, lightly scratching his back, pairing my moans of pleasure with his. He felt so good inside me. He didn’t move fast, but he pinned me down with his body and he pressed his cheek against mine, letting his breath caress my ear. I was so familiar with his body and he with mine, that when my breath heightened so did his, and when my cunt started to contract around him and my eyes rolled back, we shared our orgasm. I heard how small and urgent sounds left my throat and how he grunted softly as he came inside me.

 

‘I love you, Water.’ I said, pressing my damp forehead against his. Then I realized my mistake. ‘Aether.’ I said. ‘I love you, Aether.’

When he raised his head to look at me, the agony had returned to his pale blue eyes.

‘Aether, yes.’ He repeated. ‘That is who I am now.’


	2. Heartbreak

‘Maybe we need some time.’ He said one morning. The pale, young sunlight made his face look ghostly as he stared outside, at something I couldn’t see.

‘What do you mean?’ I said, but for a while now I could feel him drifting away from me. The loss of his brother made him turn inward, always thinking. Thinking about life and worrying about not living enough. I knew he worried about not _being_ enough.

‘Some time apart.’ He said. He stood up and left our apartment, never even looking at me.

 

When it all started, I was enough for him. When Omega disappeared, leaving a gaping wound in their close circle, he’d come home to me, lay his head on my shoulder, and let me hold him until he felt strong enough to carry on. For days and weeks he told me I was his rock and I was so happy I could comfort him. First, he was heartbroken over the loss of his brother. Later, he started doubting his own qualities as an older brother to his younger siblings, and his attempts to support Alpha and Air. I would still hold him and listen to him breathing. He didn’t cry. He would force his body to steadily breathe in and out, and swallowed until the burning feeling in his throat subsided. The hugs became shorter and shorter.

‘It’s okay to cry.’ I told him once. He immediately let his hands fall to his sides and stepped away from my embrace.

‘It’s pointless.’ He replied. He escaped my gaze and went on to make us tea.

 

I stared at the front door of our apartment, through which my love had just disappeared. I still wasn’t used to calling him Aether. If I had done as he asked me, and always remembered to use his new ghoul name, would he have still loved me? If I had never called him Water after his sister joined, would he still receive my embrace, reciprocate it, running his thumbs down my spine? Would he still whisper to me he’d be lost without my love?

Later that night he turned up again and I knew he hadn’t left full-time or disappeared like Omega had. We slept in the same bed, his back turned to me. All night I tried to work up the courage to ask him to talk to me. When I knew he was fast asleep, I placed my hand over his back. Under his warm skin his lungs expanded and inflated evenly, and his heart was beating steady. I wondered how he could just lay there, not protecting me from the heartbreak that had tormented him so.

When he left the next day without even saying a word, I felt so sick I ran to the bathroom and barfed up all my breakfast. Gagging until nothing else came up, I sank to the floor. I allowed myself to cry. I didn’t stop until he came home late in the afternoon. When he saw me, balled up on our cough, his face finally softened. He took me in his arms and ran his thumbs over my spine.

‘Aether.’ I sobbed. ‘Don’t leave me. I don’t want to be without you.’

‘Shhh.’ Was all he said, rocking me from side to side.

‘Please tell me what I must do to…’ I took a deep breath, ‘to make you stay.’

‘It’s not you.’ He whispered. ‘It’s not you.’ He kissed my salty cheeks and when he looked at me his face was tight with remorse. Giving him more to worry about made me feel painfully guilty. He left me again, but for a short moment, to fix me a warm washcloth. He ran it tenderly over my face, cleaning me from the sick, the mucus, the endless tears. I smiled at him, because he was finally loving me again, but the hot tears kept rolling down my cheeks. Sitting back for a moment, he threw the washcloth aside. He lifted me up and held me in his arms as he carried me to our bed, just like the first time we had made love. He kneeled on his side of the bed, and lowered me onto mine. Aether slowly undressed me, braided my hair, wiped away another tear. When he pulled the blankets over me it felt like he was pondering leaving me, but he overcame his internal struggle and kicked off his shoes. He pressed his body reassuringly against my back and sweetly kissed my shoulder.

‘Aether.’ I moaned. I grazed my lips over his hand. He hummed in response. I tangled my fingers in his and moved downward. Then I let go to see if he’d follow through on his own, and sure enough his warm hand was between my thighs and I rolled on my back to look into his fiery blue eyes as his fingers slipped inside me. I felt his quickened breathing against my face as he expertly worked me to my climax.

 

When I woke the next morning I realized my ghoul had slept on the couch and was now gone again. The beauty of the night before now turned ash grey and I had to make a run for the bathroom again as the agony returned in all its glory. Fuck him! I screamed in my head as I gagged above the toilet. He can’t do this to me. Where does he get the fucking _nerve_? There were no tears left, so I sat there on the tiles of the bathroom, completely numb. It was stupid of me to think showing him my pain would get him to drop all his reservations and come back to me. We hadn’t really talked in weeks. The last time we had had proper sex was when there had been a blackout and we were completely snowed in. As I stared at the toilet seat, some realization slowly sunk in. The blackout was six weeks ago today.

 

 

 

I took the same position next to the bath as earlier that morning, staring at the pregnancy test as if that would make the thing process faster.

‘Not now.’ I begged the small device I had peed on. ‘Anytime but now.’ Then, I heard the door to our apartment open and close and I silently cursed myself. Maybe if I stayed quiet enough, he’d think I had gone out.

But the Devil works in wicked ways and Aether walked in on me, stopping in his tracks upon seeing my terrified face, just as a little plus symbol appeared on the small screen.


	3. My Mother, My Cello, Omega

_I blame my mother, my cello and Omega, in that order, for both the rise and fall of my relationship with Aether. My mother is the reason I moved away from home, far enough so that she’d never visit by surprise. I loved her, and I did believe she was a good person, but we never had a strong connection. She’d threatened to leave my father and me so many times when I was a child that when I was the one who moved away, it felt like a victory. A matricide, in order to step away from a poisonous childhood. I never felt more free than when I signed the contract for renting the apartment next to Aether’s._

_I left everything behind, apart from a box filled with books, a box filled with records, my clothes and my cello. One by one, I brought them upstairs and placed them at my front door, until I finally dragged up my cello. It wasn’t heavy, at least not anymore, not to me. But I carried it up the stairs and as a small woman, I couldn’t help but bump the case of the large instrument against the wall of the staircase a couple of times. When I finally reached the top, he stood there, the essence of tranquility, an impish grin finding the humor in everything. Long, blond and unwashed hair lighting up in the heavy morning sunshine. My neighbor. He stood outside of his door because he had heard me bumping up the stairs. He introduced himself as Water. Asked me if he could help._

_When I opened the door to my apartment, he noticed it was completely empty. I put the boxes with books and records under the wide window and the bags with clothes to the wall. My cello stood proud on its holder in the middle of my living room._

_‘Can I help you get the rest of your stuff up?’ he said. ‘Are your friends or parents working on that?’_

_I turned to him. He was wearing gray sweatpants. I could smell the smoke on him._

_‘This is it.’ I said. ‘All my stuff.’_

_His blue eyes grew big as he looked around. Then, I didn’t know our apartments were identical, but I guessed they were similar. To him, a cello being the only furniture must have seemed… spacious._

_‘Water.’ I said. ‘What kind of name is that?’ He smiled at me again, and once more, the sun seemed to shine brighter. ‘It’s more like a title. But I can’t tell you more about it if we aren’t friends.’ For the first time since long, happiness filled my heart. I owned a place, and I had found a friend._

_A year and a half later, I had found a job elsewhere. Water’s friends were my friends now. My books and records his books and records. He had given me a home, and I didn’t even realize ‘home’ could look like a neighbor with a weird name, painting your walls blue, bringing you coffee as you put together the bed and closet, and making up guitar riffs as you jam on your cello. I didn’t realize that I was in my right place, until I found the dream job, at the other side of the country._

_It was his birthday. Water’s friends were my friends, and I chatted with the ghouls as if they were my brothers too, talked to their girlfriends, wives and boyfriends as if the_ _y_ _were my family._

_‘Has he made his move yet?’ Omega asked me, pointing at Water as he stood in front of the line for the toilet. Somehow, I always knew he liked me. I always liked him. There was just no reason for me to trust this feeling I had._

_‘Move?’_

_Omega looked at me. Beer on his breath, but he wasn’t drunk._

_‘You know this.’ He grinned. ‘Kid, you know.’ I couldn’t move._

_‘Are you making fun of me?’ I hissed sharply._

_‘He loves you.’ Omega replied, so loud I was afraid Water could hear. I looked at the big ghoul. His eyes stood earnest. He wouldn’t lie. Not this one._

_I remembered the inebriated courage I felt as I swiftly moved over to my neighbor, as the bathroom door opened. I grabbed him by the collar and I pushed him inside._

_‘You like me?’ I said. Water looked at me in shock. I locked the door behind us._

_‘Omega told me. Is he lying?’ Water blinked. ‘Is he pulling a prank on me… on us?’ I stammered. I had lost a little of that liquid courage. His round face softened. His eyes glimmered kindly and sad at the same time in the pale neon light and I saw it was true. I sighed deeply, and somehow my fist came down on his shoulder._

_‘Were you ever going to tell me? I move out in three days!’ He clasped his hands around my upper arms, as if I’d actually hit him. ‘I am moving away.’ I whispered. He nodded, quickly, and with no reservations anymore, pressed his warm lips against mine._

_His kiss was so gentle and heartfelt. His hand moved in my neck and he slowly embraced me, kissing me softly in that small bathroom. When we broke apart, he looked at me, eyes shining bright. It was the first time I saw him look at me as if I was light and lightness itself._

_‘That was nice.’ He said, almost inaudible. I ran a thumb over the stubble on his cheek. He grinned at me the same way he had when we first met, and then kicked me out. He really did need to go to the bathroom._

_When I returned to Omega, he said nothing. He just pressed one eyelid not completely shut, and bumped his arm against my shoulder._

 

I didn’t want to remember our first night together and all the released tension that came with it. The feeling of being naked again for the first time. The feeling of truly being seen. Aether looked at me as I held up the pregnancy test in my shaking hand. The small stick told us that his child was growing in my belly, and he looked at me as if he wished he’d never decided to see if he could help his new neighbor with her cello.

 

-

 

‘My mother. My cello. Omega.’ I mumbled the words as I paced around the bedroom, viscously throwing clothes at a bag on our bed.

‘My mother. My cello.’ I stopped in my tracks and balled my fists. ‘Omega.’ I said it like a curse, through gritted teeth.

 

My mother was not a warm person. She said she was, though. She would always describe herself as ‘caring’. She would tell people how proud she was of her daughter, how much she would do for my happiness and safety. Maybe she was trying to convince herself she loved me. She never told me she was proud. My father got the same treatment: to the outside world my mother’s little family was perfect, but my father never received the warmth he so craved. She kept telling him she would leave, and once he finally stood up for himself and spat back that _he_ would, but neither of them ever did. My parents staying together was the worst thing they could have done.

 

After finding me on the bathroom floor with the pregnancy test, Aether disappeared for two days and returned with a wedding ring. I was furious. I stormed into the kitchen in a rage and started to hurl cups at him. We had never talked about marriage. We had talked about having children, but it had always been a plan for a distant future. Aether was never someone who was good at expressing feelings, but he had always felt comfortable talking to me. We had shared bigger losses than his last one (or so I thought), I knew about his hopes and dreams. He never cried, but he spilled his worries and his fears, his love for me and his wish to one day become a father, all to me. I wouldn’t marry a man so unlike him, who wanted to make me a wife he ignored. A cup shattered far above his head against the wall. It was like he blamed me for the pregnancy and it was like I blamed him for grieving over his brother.

‘How _dare_ you ignore me for a week and then pull this shit?’ I screeched, reaching for the mugs. I never wanted to hit him, so I aimed way off, but the sound the things made when they hit the wall and the floor did feel satisfying.

‘Why don’t you fucking TALK to me?’

A soup bowl raged past his shoulder into the living room. We both froze as we heard it hit something heavy. My cello moaned in pain as it fell to the floor and broke, the strings crying as their tension faded. Aether stepped aside for me when I ran to it.

 

The neck had snapped. My old, wooden beast had broken. I fell to my knees and screamed in anger and frustration. I felt sad, but the hot tears falling from my eyes weren’t rooted in grief. It had been the last thing I owned. My books had become his books. My records his records. Even the child I was growing I shared with him. But my instrument had never obeyed his fingers. He had never even tried to tame it. He kneeled before me, silently, and turned over my cello to see if he could redress the damage. Aether’s eyes stood commiserative when he dared to look at me again.

‘Get out.’ I said. I suddenly felt so tired. ‘I’ll be gone in an hour. I don’t want you here when I pack.’

He looked at me one last time and what I saw hurt me more than anything that had happened those past few days. Betrayal. I had betrayed him. I was going to be the one leaving him behind, too. It was the only way I knew how, I thought, as I saw him take his keys from the table. He left without saying anything. Leaving was the only thing I was really good at.

 

I stuffed some clothes and a book into the bag and cursed aloud as I zipped up. ‘Omega!’ I screamed. That fucking bastard. The jerk who had turned the only man I ever loved into a shadow of himself. The self-centered prick who had bailed on his family without a word, who had steered me into this relationship and then ran it over with a truck. I flung the bag over my shoulder and slammed the door to our apartment behind me.

I was going to find that fucking asshole and drag him back to this hellhole. I was going to feed him to his brothers. I was going to save my Aether, and crown him Water again.


	4. Josephine

Once I walked up to the front door, my stomach turned. I cursed myself for never having made friends other than Aether’s. I had colleagues, but they weren’t the kind of colleagues I could visit with a bag of shit and in need of a place to stay. I couldn’t go to any of the ghouls, because they were his brothers and sister. It would be unfair of me to ask them to take me in. Besides, I didn’t want their pity, I wanted them to take care of Aether.

 

But this brought me here, on the doorstep of a posh apartment building in the most expensive part of town. He had this big loft, suited for the slick and wanted bachelor he was. It was all bullshit, really. But I knew he wouldn’t let me stand out on the pavement.

 

‘Josephine…’ his voice rumbled low through the intercom. I imagined a camera pointed at me, and a gloved hand caressing a button that would let me in. ‘To what do I owe the pleasure?’

I looked up, my eyes trailing the door, until I finally found the lens. I grabbed my bag a little tighter. ‘May I come in?’

Papa didn’t answer, but a buzzer sounded, and a click in the door betrayed it was open.

 

My heart was beating in my throat when I stepped into the elevator. Papa Emeritus and I weren’t friends. We had spoken a couple of times, and Aether had told me I was ‘approved’ by his Papa, but I could never warm to him. Honestly, I feared him. He was dark and unreadable. I always felt he was older than he looked, and especially older than he acted. Women flocked around him, and he wasn’t ashamed of choosing from them and using their attention. He was charming, but in a way that made my internal alarm system go off.

 

‘Josephine…’ he said again. The elevator had opened directly in his apartment and he was leaning against a piano in the corner, a glass of wine twirling between his gloved fingers. As if he wanted me to think he was a parody of himself. ‘What brings you here, child?’

A shiver went down my spine. I didn’t like it when he called me a child.

‘Aether.’ I told him. ‘He is not well.’

Papa sighed dramatically and turned his back to me, looking out of a window. This man was unreal. It was like he played a vampire in an old romantic movie. I looked around, seeking something silly enough to break the tension.

‘We have all been suffering, Josephine.’ He said, hands behind his back. ‘It is understandable Aether takes it this hard.’

‘He isn’t himself.’ I said softly. ‘And please, call me Fíne. That is my name.’

Papa slightly turned his face. ‘How is he not himself?’ he asked me. I could see no emotion on him.

 

‘He stopped talking to me.’ I started. ‘We used to be able talk about anything, he could tell me anything. His grief got the better of him. I think he doesn’t know how to put this feeling into words. I…’ I stopped. I looked up at the pope, how the fabric moved over his back as he slowly breathed in and out. Why would he want to hear this from me? Why would he listen to me over one of his own ghouls?

‘I left him today.’ I whispered. Now, Papa turned around. I was surprised to see a genuine emotion in his eyes. He looked from me to the bag in my hands, and he stepped closer.

‘How can I help you?’ he said.

 

‘I need to find Omega.’ Was my immediate answer. For a moment I thought I saw a hint of shock in his eyes, but he quickly managed to hide it from me.

‘Omega is untraceable, my dear.’ He said softly. I noticed a vague shimmer in his green eye. ‘I wish it wasn’t so, but believe me, I tried my all.’

I bit my tongue. I didn’t for one moment believe that this man could have tried ‘his all’ in such a short amount of time. He placed his wine glass on the piano. Only now I noticed the tacky rug with tiger print spread out underneath my feet. Is this what women found so fucking attractive? He might as well could have written ‘SEX’ on the walls.

 

Papa paced around the room, letting his hand run over the back of a fainting couch.

‘Do you think you will reconcile with Aether?’ he asked me. I bowed my head.

‘Things have to change for that to happen.’ I said.

‘And things will change if you get Omega to return to his brothers?’ Papa said, and something in his tone triggered something in me. As if he was making fun of me. I took a deep breath, trying to keep myself from yelling at him. I wanted to say something, but he spoke again.

‘You can stay here for the time being.’ He said. ‘At least I’m guessing that is why you came?’ he looked at my bag again, closing in on me. His eyes trailed over my body, and I shivered again.

 

‘Josephine…’ he whispered, his eyes coming to a halt at my stomach. There was no way he could have seen. I had a soft belly, but it was way too early for a baby bump to show. Still, when he looked back up at me, I could see that he knew. I felt the rage build more within me. The moment he touched my arm the adrenaline seemed to die like a cigarette thrown in a puddle and hot tears started streaming from my eyes. I couldn’t stop it. I held back my sobs, but the tears kept coming.

‘Shhh…’ Papa said, and he wiped my cheek as if we were close. He touched me as if he cared for me, as if I trusted him.

‘Shhh…’ he said again, wrapping his arms around me. He worked a hand in my hair, pressing my face to his shoulder. I wondered why I even came here in the first place. Papa’s hands were steady and warm as he caressed my back. It came as a surprise that it actually worked.

 

When I calmed down a little, he took my bag and one of my hands. He led me down a corridor and into a small guestroom. Then he placed my bag on the bed, gave me a small nod and disappeared. I could stay.


	5. The First

I stared at the screen on my phone. I had still saved him as Water. I never had the courage to change it. My thumb hovered over the green button. Unintentionally, I ran my fingertips over the small bump under my navel. I caught myself doing that a lot lately.

He had never called. But I was sure this didn’t mean he didn’t miss me.

 

It seemed so long ago that I first kissed him in that bathroom, proclaiming my love. I remember how his soft cheeks felt under my hands. I remember how good he smelled, of smoke and beer and _him_. I remember how his older brother squeezed my shoulder as he left, giving us a meaningful look.

 

_Aether let out his last guests, and I sat down on the rug, sweeping some potato chips off of it. I untied my hair, and made sure it fell down my back the moment Aether turned to me. He walked towards me, slowly, determined. He kneeled between my ankles, and wove his fingers in my hair._

 

 

 

To my surprise, Aether answered the phone after it rang twice. It was so unexpected I didn’t know what to say at first.

‘Hello?’ he said.

‘Aether…’ I managed to whisper. Then there was a long silence between us.

‘Please come home, Fíne.’ He said. His voice sounded weak.

‘Oh, Aether.’ I was close to crying. I missed him so much it hurt me physically. ‘How are you doing?’ Stupid question. Fucking stupid question.

‘You’re gone.’ He said, answering my question. ‘Where are you?’

I bit my lower lip. I had betrayed him. Going to stay with his Papa was betrayal.

‘Why did you propose to me?’ I said. I hated that my voice was shaking.

‘You are pregnant.’

‘Also this is the twenty-first century.’ I said. ‘People don’t get married anymore _just_ because there is a baby coming.’ I took a deep breath. ‘Just because there _might_ be a baby coming.’ I mumbled. I heard a sharp inhale of breath.

‘What?’ he said. ‘Fíne, what are you going to do?’

 

 

 

 _He looked at me before he kissed me that night. I mean, he_ looked _at me. We loved each other deeply that moment. I knew I was home, then. I felt as if I had always been home with him. his lips were soft when he pressed them against mine and he slowly pushed me down onto the rug. He undressed me with steady hands and I wanted him to take me right there, but he sat up after he slid my panties over my feet._

_‘No.’ he said, shaking his head. His eyes glided over my naked form and suddenly I felt just how naked that was. I swallowed hard, and tried to cover myself with my hands. But he shook his head again, and hooked an arm under my knees._

_‘I’m sorry.’ He said. ‘I meant: no, I will not make love to you here, on this rug.’ Another arm grabbed me around my torso. He was strong, but it took him some effort to stand up with me in his arms. He smiled, apologetically. His blue eyes shone when he looked at me._ Looked _at me._

_‘You are so beautiful.’ He said. And I knew he meant all of me._

 

 

 

‘Do you love me?’ I said. He remained silent.

‘Because if you don’t,’ I continued, ‘I need to know what I did wrong. I need to know where your feelings stopped.’

‘It is not you.’ He said again

‘That answer isn’t good enough anymore. You need to talk to me.’

‘Why did you leave?’ he said quickly. ‘When did _you_ stop loving _me_?’

‘I never stopped!’ I screamed, suddenly. In the following silence I did my best not to burst into tears, and I imagined, or hoped, he felt the same thing.

 

‘Where are you, Fíne?’  he said again. The way he said it made my skin crawl. I blinked, heat rising in my eyes.

‘I am staying with Papa Emeritus for now.’ I said softly.

‘What?’ Aether’s face suddenly sounded cold. ‘You’re joking. Tell me you are joking.’

I said nothing.

‘Fíne, I am getting you right now. You are not staying with that man. He is not-’

‘Are you going to sleep in the same bed as me?’ I interrupted him. ‘Are you going to talk to me, love me again?’ I listened how his breath quickened.

‘Because if the answer is no, I am not coming back. And don’t you dare come and get me.’

I did not know what I expected, but his silence broke my heart.

‘I see.’ I said. And I hung up. I looked around my small room. It was neat. My clothes lay neatly in a closet, folded by Papa’s help. My book lay on my nightstand. There was a pot of lavender just outside my window. I could hear Papa playing music in the living room.

‘I am sorry, little one.’ I whispered, caressing my belly. I wasn’t sure what I was apologizing for.

 

 

 

_I softly touched Aether’s cheek with my fingertips. He leaned into the touch. Our naked bodies pressed together, full of expectation._

_‘I’ve wanted you for so long.’ He whispered._

_‘How long?’_

_‘You came up the stairs, that big cello on your back.’ He said._

_I smiled. ‘That was the first time you saw me.’ Aether slowly nodded._

_‘Yes. That was when I knew.’_


	6. The Talk

Aether looked at the small but visible bump under my shirt when I walked into the café. Then he looked me in the eye. For a short moment, it was as if nothing had changed. The pleasant daylight lit up his eyes and his whole countenance softened. He was mine again in that moment. The three of us could have left everything there. The past weeks disappeared and seemed to mean nothing anymore. We could work to forget them. But when I sat down I knew I had the right to demand more. He waited for me to talk.

 

‘I’m keeping her.’ I said. There was no use in small talk at this point, so I didn’t ask him about his day. I saw confusion in his eyes.

‘Her?’ Oh.

‘It feels like a girl.’ I said. ‘Nothing is certain, I haven’t been to the doctor yet.’ He ran a hand over his mouth, his eyes falling to my stomach again. I couldn’t quite read every emotion on his face.

 

The place smelled like coffee and I regretted meeting somewhere that smelled of things I craved but couldn’t have. The morning sickness wasn’t as bad as I had read about, but the cravings were all the bigger. I wanted coffee. Raw fish. Red wine. I scratched my nails over the fabric of my jeans. Maybe I could order a very strong chocolate milk?

‘Did… did you want to meet me here to tell me I can be a part of her life?’ Aether’s voice shook. I felt an unfamiliar rage, but it died when I met his pale blue eyes again. I grinded my teeth.

‘I wanted to meet to see if you wanted to be a part of _my_ life.’ I whispered.

‘You’re going to ask me again to change who I am.’ He said coldly. A waitress approached our table, and the intensity of our gaze broke when we both ordered. Chocolate milk and black tea.

‘But this isn’t who you are.’ I said. I did my best to not sound upset. We could have this conversation. We had to. ‘You were never like this. Before last summer you would share everything with me. You have been pushing me away.’

Aether looked at his hands.

‘It can’t be stopped.’ He sighed.

 

I grinded my teeth again, controlling my heightened breathing. I slowly stirred my spoon. I felt how Aether waited anxiously in my silence, as the tension built even higher.

‘Why are you acting like you can’t control any of this?’ I hissed. It sounded more vicious than I intended, but I felt so frustrated.

‘Because I can’t control it!’ Aether yelled. A dead silence fell in the café, and Aether looked around him, embarrassed. He sunk down in his chair, making himself as small as possible. Surely, the people around us picked up their conversations again, and the attention was led away from us. But Aether remained there, trying to hide within himself, head low. He looked at his cup of tea as if it was taunting him. I knew then there was more than just his grief and our sinking relationship.

 

‘Aether.’ I said softly. I reached over the table, hoping he’d touch my hand.

‘Aether, please. Tell me what is going on. I want to help you. I am supposed to be your person.’

He slowly moved his hand to mine, but he didn’t take it. He rested his fingers only millimeters away from me. I imagined they walked up over mine, the thumb stroking the back. I imagined he took my hand and pressed it against his cheek. We would have been normal, then. I would have gone to our home with him.

 

He stared at my stomach.

‘You can’t help.’

I sighed deeply. This was what I feared. I could push harder, but honestly… I pulled back my hand. Without thinking, I brought it to my navel and drew circles on the skin underneath. I was so tired of this. As I looked at the man across I wondered what I would be saving if I pushed now.

‘So what do you imagine we do now?’ My voice was shaking. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want him to tell me it was over. But he didn’t say anything. I looked at the pain in his eyes. He wouldn’t say it. And he wouldn’t save us.

 

-

 

I heard music playing softly in the background when I entered Papa’s loft. He had given me a key, making my stay feel even more permanent.

‘Josephine…’ He sang on the melody of “Julia” by The Beatles. ‘Josephine, ocean child…’

I saw him sitting in the fainting couch when I looked around the room. A glass of wine in his hand.

‘Hi.’ I said. I shuffled my feet. I never got comfortable here.

‘How did it go, my dear?’ Papa said. I eyed the bottle of wine on the table. John Lennon sang his song of heartache, and his voice scratched against my soul. I didn’t have to answer, he saw the way I carried myself inside. He nodded, knowingly. Asking no more questions, he moved into the kitchen, putting the kettle on. I went to put my bag in my room.

 

I caught a glance of myself in the mirror. My face looked more pink. My skin looked smoother. There were bags under my eyes, but my eyes were bright, shining. My tits bulked out of my shirt. I opened my closet. I needed a change. Papa hadn’t been flirty with me, but he was intense around women, and I didn’t want to wear anything too revealing. I found a neat dress that covered most of my body, and fell loosely around my chest and hips. I ridded myself of my jeans and (shrinking) shirt, and lifted the dress over my head. I pulled it down, feeling the cool fabric fall comfortably down my legs. I turned to look at my backside in the mirror, but then I suddenly forgot to breathe. Emeritus stood there, in the doorway, holding a steaming cup of tea.

 

He looked as shocked as I was. I wanted him to talk to me, to tell me he saw nothing, to ignore what had just happened, to ask me about the weather. But his eyes glided ever so slowly down my bosom, to my tiny baby bump.

‘Life is meaningless without those who bring it so selflessly.’ He said. His voice sounded a bit hoarse. ‘We would be nothing without them.’ Finally, he looked me in the eye. I was body first, person second.

‘You should be loved for giving life. Worshipped.’ Slowly, he set my cup of tea on my dresser. When he looked back at me, I could smell the alcohol on his breath. Red wine. Things I craved but couldn’t have.

 

‘I’m not done with him, Papa.’ I said softly. ‘I’ll never be done with him.’


	7. Things I can't have

_Aether quit smoking the day I moved in with him. I didn’t ask him to, he just decided it was the right time to quit. I had never been a real smoker, but I liked my cigarette at parties every now and then. I promised him I would quit that too._

_‘Two weeks.’ He used to repeat over and over. ‘Two weeks, and the craving is gone.’_

_‘You  can do it.’ I told him, drinking tea with him. He would make himself a cup every time he craved to smoke, because it distracted him. It worked. Mostly. He had started biting his nails again._

 

I thought of how he tormented his fingers and his teeth as I stared at Papa, who stood on the balcony of his loft, blowing out smoke into the cold twilight. He held a glass of red wine loosely in his hand. I had not craved a cigarette until now, and the thought of wine gave brought a frustrating itch to my scalp. Things I couldn’t have. Papa hummed to himself, his chest expanding slowly as he took another drag. I clenched my tea.

 

_Aether got to the two week-mark and then found out how, from then on, it was still taking a lot of energy to not smoke. He was still drinking tea by the gallon._

_‘One cigarette on Omega’s birthday.’ He said out loud, so that I would talk him out of it. ‘There’s nothing wrong with that. I can smoke one cigarette for the night and be done with it.’ He searched our closet for the shirt he wanted to wear. I glanced at him through the mirror._

_‘Sweetie, just don’t.’ I said. I raised the eyeliner to my face. ‘You know you’ll regret it.’_

_Aether sighed._

_‘Hey, I’ll keep you company all night!’ I said. ‘I will stay inside with you when the others go outside to smoke. I will encourage you and get you beers! I’ll drive us home.’_

_The black eyeliner made a sufficient line on my eyelid. When Aether didn’t answer, I looked at him through the mirror again. He had been watching me with those kind, blue eyes._

_‘I love you.’ he whispered. I took his hand._

_‘Two weeks.’ I said._

_‘Two weeks and three days.’ He replied._

 

Omega smoked, I thought, as I watched Papa on the balcony. I circled the small bump under my dress with my fingers. Omega was a right chain-smoker. At the party I was remembering, he hardly ever came inside.

Papa took a last drag from his cigarette and pressed the bud into a large and tacky ash tray that looked like a claw. I swallowed hard as he took a sip from his wine. I thought of Omega. I thought of how we had talked, that night. I had asked him why he was alone.

 

_‘You are charming, you are handsome…’ I slapped his shoulder, to put more power into my words. ‘You are funny, you are kind. Every women would be lucky to have you. Or man.’ I quickly added, looking at Air and his partner._

_‘It’s not that.’ Omega had shaken his head. ‘I can’t really control it.’_

_‘Well, making the first move is scary of course. Finding someone you like is not easy, really.’ I rambled. I had allowed myself to drink one red wine, after checking in with Aether. My ghoul was talking to his brothers and seemed to have a good time. I couldn’t really hear what he was saying, because I stood outside with Omega._

_‘That’s not really it.’ Omega had always been nice to me. He had been my big brother the moment Aether had introduced us. ‘I can’t control it.’ He said again. Somehow I now thought those words were important, but I couldn’t really tell why. Because I assumed he wasn’t a person who would settle down, I shrugged and gave him a smile. He bumped me with his elbow._

_‘Kid.’ He said. ‘Do you want a cigarette?’_

 

Papa sang along loudly with the record he had put on. I wasn’t sure where his exhibitionism ended and his alcoholism began. His voice was softer and deeper and he slurred some of his words when he talked to me.

‘Josephine.’ He stretched the name he had made up for me into a long series of sounds. I looked at him and I wondered if I started to enjoy his company. He moved his slim figure through the room, circled the sofa I was seated on.

‘Papa?’ I said. Suddenly, he let himself fall on the pillow next to me. It gave me a slight scare, but I tried my best to seem unimpressed with him.

‘You deserve better.’ He whispered. ‘Better than his life.’

I sighed, annoyed.

‘I chose to come here, Papa.’ I said. I was surprised at how quickly I lost my patience, but I stood up. It was bedtime.

‘This shit didn’t just happen to me, Papa.’ I said. ‘I was there too. Nobody did this to me, this is just…’ I unintentionally grabbed my belly. ‘Life.’ I said. ‘C’est la vie.’

 

I didn’t realize he followed me to my room until I sat on my bed and kicked off my slippers. He stood on the doorstep. He wouldn’t enter without asking me.

‘That is not what I meant.’ He said. ‘I wasn’t calling Aether a villain.’

I looked at him. Because the light of the hallway came from behind him, the only detail of his form I could see were his shining, mismatched eyes and the glimmer on his glass of wine.

‘A ghoul life is demanding.’ Papa said. He leaned against the door. ‘Some ghouls have certain… duties.’

I leaned back on my hands. I wasn’t sure what he was trying to tell me. I saw how he placed a foot on my doorstep, and when I met his gaze again, I gave him a small nod.

Papa stepped inside my room and kneeled before me. He placed his glass on the floor.

 

‘They can’t control it.’ Papa whispered. ‘And neither can you. And it is not your fault.’

My heart felt heavy, hearing those words. I felt like Papa was trying to give me a glimpse of a secret I otherwise would have never known about.

‘You deserve better.’ Papa said again. His gloved hands landed on my knees. I wanted to brush them off, or berate him, or kindly kick him out, but he smelled like everything I craved but couldn’t have.

 

I remembered Omega, and how he kindly offered me a cigarette. I hadn’t smoked for two weeks and three days. _I looked at Aether through the window. He was having a conversation so animated he wouldn’t think to look for me._

 

Papa Emeritus ran his gloved hands slowly up my thighs. I didn’t protest when his fingers disappeared under my dress, inch by inch.

‘You should be loved for giving life.’ He whispered, and I vaguely remembered him saying those words before, as he worked his hands to my hips, pushing me to the bed.

‘You should be worshipped.’

I gasped loudly when his fingers grazed my tender nipples. He lifted the dress up to my breasts and watched my naked stomach intently. His hands hovered above the bump and I knew he wanted to touch me there, but he hesitated.

‘No.’ I whispered. That wasn’t his to touch. He sought my eyes as his fingers landed on the hem of my panties. I bit my lip. I could smell the smoke on him. I could see how the wine had stained his lower lip. I could feel my heart race as I nodded at him.

Papa’s gloves felt soft on my skin when he pulled my panties down and pressed his warm tongue against my core.

_The hesitation I had felt when Omega offered me the cigarette only lasted for about a second. I accepted it, he lit it, and we chatted and smoked and bumped our elbows together. I started to feel light-headed when I had smoked about half of it, because it had been a while, but I still kept going until the end. When nothing but the bud was left, I turned to throw it into the ash tray. I felt a shock when I saw Aether standing there, at the window, looking at me. Our car ride home was quiet._


	8. The Spirit and The Mind

Papa Emeritus pressed his face between my legs, sending a tantalizing feeling through my body. He pleasured a part of me with his experienced tongue that I hadn’t regarded as sexual in a long time. Aether and I hadn’t had sex since the blackout and I couldn’t get to touching myself ever since. As Papa hummed his sounds of dark, sexual excitement into my core, I let myself fall to the bed. At first, it felt so good that I didn’t acknowledge the shame I felt for allowing him into my room. I didn’t know if he had charmed me, or if I was just lonely, but uncertainty hit me when he dug his gloved fingers into my thighs.

 

‘Ah!’ I whined in pleasure nevertheless. He was good, and I felt tired, and a demanding need grew within me. I was too exhausted to send him away, to beckon him to stop, to explain how what we did was wrong.

It was wrong. Papa tasted me with no restraint whatsoever. I grinded against him, and imagined how he would withdraw, and then take it as an invitation to push back harder. It was wrong. I clenched the sheets of my bed as I felt my end approaching. Right before I came, I saw my beloved ghoul very clearly in my mind. He looked at me, and how I had betrayed him once more, and I figured that if maybe he had still loved me, he would not love me now.

 

In the cry escaping me as I climaxed I heard all the pain I had felt for the last few months. I felt the man serving me as I rode out the waves of my orgasm slowly recoil when he noticed my tears and the sobs I was fighting back. I closed my hands over my eyes and allowed myself to cry freely.

 

‘Josephine…’ a hesitating hand landed on my shoulder. I curled up into a ball and pulled my dress back down.

‘Do you want me to leave?’

I didn’t know. I grabbed his hand as it slid off my body. I didn’t know. I felt how my tears stained the pillow. The mattress dipped as Emeritus kneeled behind me, still holding my hand, and lay himself down. The hand moved to my shoulder again. His chest pressed to my back. I knew he didn’t move closer into a spooning position because intertwining our bodies would not help my current state.

 

‘I’m sorry-’ he started, but I cut him off, because it wasn’t his fault.

 ‘You did nothing wrong.’ I said. His silence told me he didn’t know what to do about me.

 

‘Where is Omega?’ I said. ‘Why did he leave?’

‘Nobody knows where he is, Fíne.’ Papa said. So he did know my name.

‘So why did he leave?’ I said.

Papa was silent again, although this time he pulled the blanket over us. We lay there, clothed, warming up to each other.

‘I deserve to know.’ I said. ‘And I know you agree.’

 

Papa sighed deeply. ‘I agree. But I’m not allowed to tell you.’

‘You’re not allowed? Who is forbidding you to talk about it? I thought you were the boss?’ I heard him swallow behind me and he softly squeezed my hand.

‘I am nothing more than a servant, my dear.’  He said. Some gentleness in his voice. 

‘A servant of Satan?’

‘Yes.’

 

I turned to lay on my back. His hand slid down my shoulder and he let it rest on my arm. He remained on his side next to me. I could feel his breath in my hair.

‘But Satan is… an idea.’

‘Hmm.’ Papa said. ‘Yes and no. He is an idea, but also so much more than that.’

‘You are serving an idea you uphold yourself?’

‘More or less.’

‘So if you are the highest priest of the church of this idea, can’t you alter it? Don’t you have that power?’

 

Papa ran his finger up and down my arm. It wasn’t in a seductive way, it felt honest and, to my surprise, kind.

‘We all come from somewhere and when we die we go somewhere. During our lives we are driven by our needs. Thirst, hunger, greed. We must give that a name. A ghoul is nothing more or less of a person than you or me. But their spirit differs. Fíne, do you know what a ghoul is?’

I blinked. ‘A, eh…’ I clenched my teeth, because I was ashamed of the first word that came to mind. ‘A monster? I mean-’ I coughed. ‘I don’t mean evil or ugly, I mean a monster from folktales…’

Papa’s hand left my skin and he ran it through his hair.

‘In ancient Arab folktales ghouls were monsters, yes. Demons who dwelled graveyards and robbed graves.’

‘Graverobbers?’

‘Those tales don’t appear out of nowhere. But the storytellers were mistaken. Those poor souls weren’t monsters or demons. They were like you and me. But their spirit remembers the name.’

‘What name.’

‘The name of what drives us. Of thirst, hunger, and greed. The name of the place we came from. It must be the place we’ll end up, must it not? Ghouls are burdened with this knowledge, and therefore burdened with a greater question about life and death than those who do not have this knowledge.’

 

I closed my eyes and thought about that for a while. I felt how Papa turned to his back too. He entangled his fingers over his chest.

‘Aether has to carry this great burden?’

‘Yes.’

‘But it has been only recently that he has been so spleenful.’

‘A ghoul is a ghoul because of the soul he or she bears. Their mind doesn’t have to know their spirit remembers for them to be drawn to the macabre or the morbid. When Aether joined us, he was a ghoul in beautiful, boyish, but innocent turmoil.’

I swallowed hard. It was as if I could feel that version of him right there with me. I felt a new tear roll down my temple.

‘The spirit is calling to the mind, always. It isn’t different with you. But at some point in a ghoul’s life, he hears the call, and he has to answer. Mind and spirit collide…’ from under my wet eyelashes I saw him clasp his hands together.

‘… and the ghoul bears the knowledge. Omega’s leaving was so traumatic for the Aether ghoul, that his spirit penetrated his mind like a sharpened sword.’

I wanted to hit him. How dare he so graphically describe my love’s pain? But I understood my anger didn’t come from what he said.

 

‘Do the others bear the knowledge?’

‘Air, Mist and Aether.’

‘Mist?’ I said. ‘Mist bears the knowledge, but not Alpha or Earth?’

Papa nodded. ‘In my experience, women recognize the burden the spirit calls for earlier in their lives.’

I placed my hands over my stomach. ‘That makes sense.’

 

We kept silent and I listened to us breathing. Papa was a source of physical warmth beside me, and the melancholy the red wine had given him seemed to have disappeared from his voice. He seemed more sincere than I had ever seen him, and for the first time I saw him as a real person.

 

‘Omega couldn’t cope with knowing.’ I said. When I got no answer, I rolled to my side and saw Papa stare at his hands. The corners of his mouth were pulled down in a peevish grimace.

‘It always seemed like Omega had greater demons to battle.’ Papa said. ‘But most ghouls learn to cope.’

‘Will Aether learn?’

I looked at him, hopeful, but the memory of Omega lingered in Papa’s eyes.

‘I can’t promise you that.’ He replied quietly.

 


	9. When a Door Closes

There was something I had learned since my stay at Papa’s. I did not know the word yet. It was a feeling of intrigue I got for the man. It was detest I felt, and yet a silent admiration. It was abhorrence, yet attraction. It was a perversion, maybe. Take that either way you want it.

I watched him move through the apartment whenever we were home together. We never really talked, at least if you don’t count the semi-intellectual remarks he directed at me, pretending he directed them to no one in particular. He knew I was watching him, and I knew he knew, and I pretended my mind was somewhere else.

 

He was slick like a cat, dangerous like a dark alley. He was oozing authority, with the misfortune of speaking like a madman. Somehow, in my mind, he was always drinking red wine from a sober, small wine glass. His teeth white, but stained, always touching the glass with the lightest ‘tick’. This image of him that I had now was unchanging and intoxicating since that night I let him into my bedroom.

Now, he had started making appearances in my dream.

 

I had feared that this would happen. Like I mentioned, I wasn’t particularly attracted to him, but having him around so much, drinking wine, smoking, saying wise and outrageous shit, my hormones out of control… I should have listened to Aether and not have moved in with him. I knew where my heart truly lay, with my ghoul, but these dreams, they were complicating things. They made me not want to stay in this temporary bedroom. They made me not want to fall asleep. They made me not want to lay down in this cursed bed.

 

It would always start out in my room. I would be in bed, naked or asleep, or both. And Emeritus would stand in the door, which was always open in my dream. I would feel his gaze before I saw him there, white eye and glass in hand shining. In turmoil, knowing he was unable to enter or speak without my permission. As soon as I nodded my head, he had taken control again. That I gave him permission was what I always feared the most. His teeth ticked the glass when he emptied it, throwing it in the corner in a sudden passion. The glass shattering to the wall startled me, raising my heartbeat. But as he reached my bed, I grabbed him by his collar to pull him down. He looked up at me as I rolled us over, my naked and strong form on top of him, my stomach obscured by a blanket. His breath heightened, he parted his lips, awaiting my kiss, yearning for it. Sometimes I did it, sometimes I didn’t.

 

His teeth seemed sharper than those of most people. I grabbed him by the throat and forced two fingers between them, feeling the velvety tongue run over my skin. I wasn’t sure if Papa was an animal, a hound of hell, a human or a demon. Slight pressure on my fingers. A wicked grin in his eyes.

‘Josephine…’ he hummed on the melody of John Lennon’s Julia as I released him. ‘Josephine… ocean child…’ he shut up when I dove my teeth into his lip and clawed at his hair. It wasn’t exactly a kiss, but then again… it was.

At this point, Papa would take over, pushing me in the sheets. Whenever I wore a night gown, he would tear it open, revealing my sore and sensitive breasts. Never more. Never my stomach. That wasn’t his to see.

 

I would claw at his costume too, biting down on his shoulder as his suit wouldn’t give. Tilting my head back with his gloved hand, making me gasp for air, he would run his tongue over my exposed teeth. Moaning, I lashed out mine to taste him, and they met for a short, heated moment. He bit down on my ear, my neck. He made a fiery trail to my collar bone and bit down harder there. Pushing my legs apart, he would dive his teeth into my breast, tenderly this time, as if he knew I needed that there. He never broke my skin, though I could feel his biting inside me, as if it wasn’t there for my skin at all.

Slowly, he pressed his bulging crotch against my soaking core. He never undressed. It was a dream, still, and I never wanted him in me, never wanted to imagine his seed. But he would rub against me, grunting at the friction and my flesh in his mouth.

 

Small bites over my other breast, the nipple, the soft skin underneath it. It felt amazing, sinful, perverted. His hands wandered over my body, gripping me in a chokehold, pulling my hair. Never rough, but never gentle. I did the same to him. His hard erection pressed against me, rubbing me rhythmically as he continued his biting. A strange sound from his lips betrayed his want for me more than his cock straining against his trousers. He looked at me whenever he was about to come.

 

‘Fí…ne…’ he confessed my real name, thrusting against me. My abominable lust for him growing in my cunt. His lips parted, his eyes closed. I witnessed his wine-stained teeth, and worked two fingers between them.

Because he didn’t quite sense my end, he pressed his gloved thumb over my clit, granting me that extra needed stimulation. I came, screaming for my needed release, panting from the weight of his body on me. I soaked his trousers with my heat. He came, whining like a deprived dog, heaving from his labor. His hands landed beside my head, and he loomed over me, his hair hanging down in sweaty black strands, covering his face.

 

When I woke up screaming this morning, unsure if it was from pleasure or absolute fear, I knew I had to take action.

 

 

 

‘You don’t have to go.’

‘I do.’

‘I am sorry about what happened. It won’t happen again.’ It had been two weeks since I had let him into my room. Everything had changed.

‘Like I said, this wasn’t your fault. And it’s not the reason I am leaving.’ I looked into Papa’s sad and accusing eyes before looking away. He had followed me around the house as I collected my things and he stood on the doorstep of my temporary bedroom as I packed.  ‘Alright, it is the reason I am leaving.’ I said.

‘Josephine…’ He tried, but by now, that name was making me incredibly angry.

Furiously, I zipped up my bag and lifted the band over my shoulder. I charged past him, and he bumped into the door when he stepped out of my way.

‘Wait!’ he said with authority as I strode through his living room. ‘Where would you go? At least let me get you a hotel-’

‘No.’ I said. I caught a glimpse of myself in one of his many mirrors. I had gotten myself in this shit. All of it. ‘No.’ I said again, but this time I managed to calm myself. After all, I was not mad at him. Not really.

‘Thank you, Papa, for taking me in.’ I looked at my hands because I could not watch his drunken grief. ‘You gave me something I was in great need for. Thank you for explaining to me what I needed to know.’ I put my hand on the handle.

 

‘Please.’ Papa begged me now. The tone of his voice finally made me look at him. The black and white paint on his face made him seem so remorseful, so broken. Why did we all have to be broken? He placed a gloved hand over mine and I grabbed the handle a little tighter.

‘You are the only good thing in my life right now.’ He whispered. ‘Please. You bring life-’

He stopped himself when he realized how that sounded, but he took a breath and finished what he meant to say.

‘It’s true. And… I need that sort of hope…’ He squeezed my hand, aware that his pleas were not convincing me. ‘I will not try to seduce you again, will not lay a hand…’ he closed his eyes and let go of me. ‘Please, Josephine.’

 

I slammed down the handle and swung the door open in anger.

‘It’s Fíne!’ I yelled at him. ‘Fee-nuh!’ I balled my fists. ‘Josephine is my fucking mother!’ It hurt to scream at him, because I felt he didn’t deserve it, but he had enraged me. Everything pissed me off so thoroughly that I could only hear the blood rushing in my ears. When I turned inside the elevator, I saw him right before the doors closed. Through the white noise I could hear him tell me again to not go looking for Omega.


End file.
